heartsongs

Weaving my way around Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Love and pain

with 2 comments

All systems go this morning. RA is behaving, everything getting better since the last flarette. Almost back to baseline.

Slight increase in swelling, tenderness under left arm. Disturbing in and of itself, as it has been really good for 2 weeks,  and I don’t see PT1 until Tuesday.

We’re off to the lumberyard in an hour. The room is empty, construction begins today! Two walls, one door, wood paneling (because of the gluten containing sheet rock dust), a little paint. Should be a quick project.

DD2 is here from the west coast. Always an active child, In typical west coast style, she has become even more athletic since moving there. She bikes and runs and rock climbs. Last night she told me she thinks she, too, has the beginning signs of both Celiac and RA. How can that be – all three of my kids. DD2 has been my rock the past year. I’ve leaned on her hard.  I though she had escaped. My heart is very heavy.

We just started down the path of getting insurance for my DS and DD1, so they can get to the rheumatologist. DD2 has good insurance, and plans to go see a Rheumatologis when she returns home.

The official diagnosis is not that important to me, I can hear it in their descriptions of what they are experiencing. They’ve all come to me separately with the “mom, is this what you have, and this, and this?” “is this what it feels like?” ‘I thought I was just getting older” “thought I had hurt myself somehow” and with every word, I grow more fearful.

My children have made me the person I am today. When DS was born, I experienced a whole new way of loving. When I was carrying DD1, my biggest fear was that I would not ever be able to love her as much as I loved DS. It didn’t seem possible to hold that much love inside one human heart. I remember talking to her, telling her I would try to love her, I just didn’t know how. Then I held her in my arms, and just like the Grinch, my heart grew and grew and grew. She showed me how to lover her in one sweet moment. When DD2 came along, I was fearless. I knew my heart would expand to hold the wonder of her.

Now I am filled with fear again. Fear that this horrible auto-immune syndrome holds my children hostage, too. How will my heart be able to hold the pain of watching my loves live with this, too.

 

 

 

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Written by wovensongs

October 13, 2011 at 7:04 am

2 Responses

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  1. I can feel the love you have for your children through this post. I felt the same way when I was pregnant with number 2. It is amazing how much love our hearts can give, isn’t it? Like you, my daughter has shown signs that RA may be a part of her life. We are really working on diet and other alternative things for her hoping we can prevent this from becoming a part of her life. As hard as it is to go through it yourself, it does seem even harder to watch your child go through it too. My heart is with you.

    Cathy

    October 13, 2011 at 10:07 am

  2. I feel your fear. I have two biologic children also and this fear creeps into my heart often. What I try to remember is that if they do get an autoimmune disorder that through my experiences perhaps…just perhaps their personal journey will be made just a bit easier. They have you, one that has already traveled the road to guide them. This alone puts them miles ahead of others that have no one. I truly know how frightening this all can be, but have faith and know that just having you as their Mom puts them way ahead of this autoimmune game.

    deb aka abcsofra

    October 13, 2011 at 7:03 pm


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